My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
men’s fashion peaked in 1838