held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots