Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”