“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
How dramatic are you?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.