Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Van Gone
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about