Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”