The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I feel it
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Not recommended for beginners.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.