*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay