dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans