No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You Might Also Like
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
relationship goals
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
LMAO.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts