Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Sign of the day..
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Venn
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird