Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.