boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”