History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.