DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.