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I hate men who say βwhereβs my hug?β Uhhh I donβt know, whereβs your mom at?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasnβt clear
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
He said: We canβt go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isnβt clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You canβt go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isnβt clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* βThe pen is mightier than the swordβ
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would youβweβre not even in competing markets!
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is βruh roh.β
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Just grow your own
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uhβ
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: Iβve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: Youβre allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so itβs a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesnβt have all the answers. Itβs in godβs hands.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: Iβm not hungry
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and Iβm over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.