My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
i think we should see other cousins
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired