Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”