On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Yoga Matt
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day