It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Its true…
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.