*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.