2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.