last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. 鈥淚t hurts where? Yeah, that鈥檚 your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My kids didn鈥檛 follow me into the bathroom so now I鈥檓 scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it鈥檚 boiled
daddy yankee wouldn鈥檛 approve of these gasolina prices
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don鈥檛 know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose