“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
🐕🍷
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer