I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
i will not be silenced
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing