to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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There鈥檚 no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Natural selection at its finest
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you鈥檙e a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don鈥檛.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
back to work
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you鈥檒l see them later.
imagine if poop was transparent. I鈥檇 completely lose my shit
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I鈥檒l have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 馃拃
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey鈥ou have no idea
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Love it! 馃憤馃槀
I鈥檓 not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you鈥檙e right I need more pigeons
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret