Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.