I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe