Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
You Might Also Like
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Smile they said.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.