It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
u spoke cat all this time??????
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.