My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…