Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Ferrari squats
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.