One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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My teenage children choosing violence
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*