I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.