do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”