While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
peep davidson
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.