*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The Punning Dead.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Boom, boom, ching!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.