Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out