good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are