If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
You Might Also Like
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no