My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.