My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
You Might Also Like
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”