Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Velcrow
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Holy crap this is wonderful
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“I’m helping” 😅
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Mhm.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.