I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that