why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
TRAIN’S HERE
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that