Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
channeling her this year
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so