a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
New mindset, who dis?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic