*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards