me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind