if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Tremendous stuff
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
not to brag, but mine was free
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.